The Beaufort Street Merchant

It had been a while since the bloggers had managed to get together for their Thursday night fix. Booto, Stinks and the Sponge had been gallivanting around the South-West, having every whim attended to by the staff at the Bunker Bay Resort. For Stinks, that meant somebody had to blow a raspberry on his stomach every minute on the minute. For Booto on the Sponge, it was a fresh bottle of wine every hour on the hour. Meanwhile, the Brains and the Deliberator went on a 5 day long eating challenge in the far east, where their fabulous hosts managed to stuff them with dim sum on a daily basis, plus all you can eat mussels, all you can drink gin and tonics and all you can watch amateur cricket.

When the bloggers read that one of their favourite businesses, the Beaufort Street Merchant, was opening for dinner, we soon decided that it would be the perfect opportunity to swap stories on how much squiz we had consumed, how many meals we’d had and how much weight we managed to put on throughout our respective vacations (which, on average, in the relevant units, per person per day was 14, 5 and 1).

The Merchant is a wonderful venture. The staff are friendly and fun, the produce excellent, the beer and wine plentiful and varied, the tunes always top notch and the furniture suitably eclectic. We've always known this so we were very keen to try it out for dinner.

On arrival, we were excited to be told that we could choose anything we wanted to drink from the bottle shop out the back, and the staff would open it and pour it on our request for a low low $5.00. The Deliberator and the Sponge put their hands up to do the all important boozy choosing, and ended up being away for around three quarters of an hour while they squabbled over the appropriate beer to purchase. They ended up buying one bottle of virtually every beer available, plus 1 bottle of French sparkling, and 2 bottles of Sav Blanc. Of course, this was never going to be enough, so they organised a second purchase of 3 bottles of clean skins to get us through the main course. And, as an aside, the cleanskin reserve chardonnay at $11 per bottle is some of the best value for money wine going around town. A blind taste of that stuff and you would swear you’re drinking Leeuwin Estate Art Series Chardonnay (almost).

Finally, after the Choosing Of The Booze and subsequent pouring, we sat at our lovely roomy table with our friendly flickering tea light and got down to the menu. It was a short but well put together menu with ‘something for everyone’. Gordon Ramsey would be proud. Of course, we had to start with the grazing platter which, for $22, was excellent value. The platter came beautifully presented on a large bread board and contained such delights as Danish feta, chorizo, catalan tomatoes and loads of crusty bread. We also had a cheeky serve of bread and balsamic and olive oil, which was a steal at $4 as the bread was perfect.

To the mains. The Sponge and the Brains wisely chose the meatballs ($17) – the meatballs were perfection – cooked in a thick, fresh tomato sauce and served with a mound of bread, they were some of the finest meatballs man could make. Booto went for the Thai chicken salad ($17.50). It was a generous serve of salad – spinach, tomatoes, cashes, avocado and snow peas, with an equally generous serve of beautifully marinated chicken breast. The chicken had a coconut flavour that was complemented very well by the salad dressing. It clearly demonstrated great attention to detail. The Deliberator had an equally appealing pie ($20) – 5 hour braised beef (amaaazing), mushroom and Guinness served with potato gratin, savoy cabbage and a little jug of gravy. Unfortunately, there was not enough gravy in that little jug for the Deliberator’s liking. Fortunately, our waiter immediately picked up on the distress on the Deliberator’s face and within seconds produced a second jug of gravy. The pie, after that, was perfection.

We finished of the night with a couple more glasses of wine (served in our favourite Riedel stemless wine glasses), a long macchiato, an espresso and the last four tiny cakes left in the store. The long mac was not quite right – it should have been a lot stronger – but this is a small issue in an otherwise seamless evening. An evening made even better by being able to pick up a cold bottle of tonic on the way out for some late night G&T’s on the veranda.

In summary:

Service: Our waiter, Tyson, was wonderful. Everyone went out of their way to help us. And the best thing about the service? It’s very relaxed without the rules that piss us off so much about so many places. Extra sides? no problem. Another jug of gravy? on its way. More beer? here it is. You wanna stay for more wine? stay as long as you like.

Food: Tremendous. Fresh, simple, generous and home-style. Could not ask for more.

Ambience: While a Simply Red CD was playing at one stage, we realised it must have been played in irony, so it was perfectly acceptable. The atmosphere is friendly and casual and the décor is perfect.

Highlight: The bottleshop/corkage set up and the divine food. Oh, and on the corkage, the menu says it's $5, but we were only charged $3. And that's one flat charge, no matter how many bottles you buy.

Lowlight: The long mac.

Rating: 4.7 crusty loaves out of 5.

Will we be back? In a heartbeat.

Details: You know where the Merchant is. You can book on 9328 6833, and we suggest that pretty soon it will become very wise to book in advance. The Merchant is open 7 days til late (there’s no feeling of being rushed out here). Our total food bill came to around $100 (excellent value), and drinks is another story. But that was our fault for buying one of basically everything they had.

The Pony Club

As you enter the surrounds of "The Pony Club" situated at 620 Beaufort Street, Mount Lawley, you are immediately struck by how right they have got the decor - the mix of rich striped fabrics and minimalist furniture works surprisingly well with the OTT chandeliers and traditional architectural features of this period building. Given that the Brains and BOOTO spend somewhere in the region of 10% of their annual taxable income on interior design and decorating magazines, you can imagine that, coupled with the oh so right level of lighting for those who regularly "over do it", the Pony Club started ticking their boxes right from the get go.

Seated by a rather familiar looking waiter (the Brains and BOOTO may have completely overstayed their welcome, drinking well past closing time a couple of years ago, but that is another story entirely..), we were given menus, had our water glasses poured and drink orders taken promptly. The Sponge and Deliberator (never ones to stick to the rules) ordered margaritas. Thankfully, the Brains and BOOTO stuck to the theme and went for a jug of Sangria.

Turning to the menus, it was interesting to note the heading "The Pony Club a little taste of Spain using the fresh ingredients of Australia". Pulses began to race. The Deliberator, Sponge and BOOTO had eaten and drank their way around Spain in the pre-Brains and Stinky eras. Thoughts of whitebait, chorizo, croquetas and patatas bravas sent the saliva glands into overdrive. But alas as our eyes travelled down the Spanish (with helpful English translations) menu, we were saddened to note the lack of simple traditional tapas dishes. As those smiles turned upside down however, the drinks arrived and as often happens when the Bloggers meet anything alcoholic, it was smiles all round again. Even the overwhelming strange taste of cloves in the Sangria (something never before experienced by BOOTO - a well seasoned Sangria consumer), could not deter us.

And so the fun began.............

We ordered copious amounts of food (at times helpfully directed by the wait staff) and sometimes the same dish twice. And whilst the Sponge is loathe to stray far from his favourite staple of squid, dishes devoured by the Bloggers included:

pulpo abobado marinated octopus with jarrah smoked tomatoes

el pan bollo in house baked multigrain rolls (a ridiculously expensive 3.50 each!)

crespones de calabaza pumpkin crepes with brown sage butter

(The conversation at this stage went something like...
BOOTO: better than sex
Sponge: WHAT?
Deliberator: Oh BOOTO, you need to get yourself a real man
Brains: What? Like you? Huh!
BOOTO: Does anyone mind if I lick the plate?)

la carne crudo wagyu eye fillet with sangria jelly & baby cress

albondigas venison pork duck meatballs

abalone empanadas Albany abalone pies with cherry tomato salsa (second only to the pumpkin crepes because we had to endure the Deliberator professing his sublime skills as an abalone fisherman during this dish)

salmon curado Mt Cook blood orange cured salmon with baby chicory and broad beans

trucha arcoiris smoked Manjimup rainbow trout with artichoke hearts and citrus foam ( the presentation on this dish made it almost too pretty to eat. But eat we did).

plancha calameres grilled chilli squid with tomato and aioli (well we had to have it in order to shut the Sponge up)

pastelillos de chorizo de carne de venado venison chorizo and quail egg tartlets with mojo pico (had to order this - it was the only dish featuring chorizo - but please don't ask us what mojo pico is).

Phew - looking back on it, we're almost ashamed to release this review, lest we become the subject of the latest biased obesity study featured on Today Tonight.

It must be noted that as the meal progressed, the Sponge and Deliberator's penchant for margaritas subsided and soon not even the Brains could be enthusiastic at the Sangria that contained far too many shades of mulled wine to be drank at length. So it was to the beer and wine list which was ample, but pricey.

The Bloggers do so wish we could comment on the Postres (desserts) offered by the Pony Club, however we're sure you'll understand that in endeavouring to bring to you a substantial review of the Pony Club's tapas menu, we were far to stuffed to try dessert. Besides which, Stinky was being babysat and the Deliberator and Brains' "Balcony of Broken Dreams", complete with booze fridge beckoned...................

In summary:

Service: Friendly, guiding us well as to the better dishes to order. However, it was not quite as super slick and all knowing as the service we've had at Duende, which we think is a reasonable comparison in terms of both price and dining style.

Food: If you're after traditional style Spanish tapas, then continue your search elsewhere. However, the food is fresh, different and will take you out of your comfort zone.

Ambience: Pretty perfect, although as with all restaurants with floorboards, the acoustics can become a bit much when full.

Highlight: The pumpkin crepes.

Lowlight: Sangria (and for BOOTO waking up to Stinky at 6am after a night on the Balcony of Broken Dreams).

Rating: 3.5 abalone empanadas out of 5

Will we be back: Maybe if someone organises a dinner there. We don't have too much to complain of, but our overall impression of The Pony Club is just a an unexciting good. It's a bit like a "nice" boy. He's probably not going to get a second date unless you're desperate, let alone become your boyfriend. It's also crazy expensive when you have 4 diners with enormous appetites.

Details: The Pony Club is a hop, skip and a jump from the Walcott Street intersection (city side) and is fully licensed, although do have BYO nights on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. The tapas dishes soon add up and the bill came to approximately $100 per head. Bookings came be made on (08) 9228 8801.

Diva Café Mt Lawley

So, here is the Diva review that has been so long coming. Unfortunately, it was that long ago that none of us really remember it, so we consider this to be one of the weakest reviews so far. Sorry about that.

What we do remember follows. The night was warm, and we had young Stinky in tow. Upon arrival, and looking into the long, skinny, multi-layered restaurant, we realised that Stinky’s pram was going to be a tough squeeze. The waitresses helpfully navigated a path and set up a table at the back, giving us plenty of room. (Unfortunately this was located in the highest part of the restaurant right next to the kitchen, meaning it was hotter than Kelly le Brock in Weird Science (although not quite as hot as that French chick out of Braveheart).)

Stinky proceeded to vent his appreciation by fidgeting and farting around for the next hour, preventing Booto from achieving the state of wine-induced nirvana as quickly as she might have liked.

The night was also memorable for the fact that the Deliberator announced what he was having for both starter and main within 90 seconds of sitting down. The other Bloggers without hesitation drove a wooden stake through the heart of this imposter, whereupon the real Deliberator made an appearance and began acting like his trademark puerile self for the remainder of the evening.

As per usual, when we reached into Stinky’s nappy bag and the back of his pram to pull out a bottle of wine each, the bottles were left sitting on our table, warming up in the hot night. We’ve grown so used to the fact that people don’t offer to put wine in the fridge or bring out an icebucket that this has basically stopped being a complaint.

Food consisted of a very passable tasting platter (of course) and pizza to start, followed by a tomato/salmon pasta (Sponge), Moroccan lamb salad (Booto), another anonymous pasta (Brains) and a steak (Deliberator). Oh, and a trough of chips. (Diva does a "cheap" pizza and pasta menu during the week, which offers some pretty good value.)

Service was very helpful and friendly (particularly considering our various impairments), although the food was not overly quick to arrive and those wine bottles continued to sit there sweating.

In summary:

Service: Young and enthusiastic.

Food: Good size portions and better than expected. (Sorry for doubting you, Diva.)

Ambience: The people down below and out the front seemed to be enjoying it, from where we sat in our lofty sweatbox.

Highlight: The platter was pretty good from memory.

Lowlight: Warm booze. And Stinky’s belligerence.

Rating: 3.5 warm sweaty arm-pits out of 5.

Will we be back: Conceivably. Diva ticked all the right boxes, without any particular chutzpah.

Details: Diva is over the road from the (now defunct) Astor. Food was fairly reasonable, and came out at around $40 a head including corkage. Contact them on (08) 9371 9971

Next up: We spent some serious coin at the Pony Club recently, we'll let you know what we thought soon...

Siena's Mt Lawley Pizzeria and Café

Siena’s is not particularly well-regarded among food lovers as a decent place to eat. The Bloggers’ view is no exception, previous visits (which took place many years ago) have been uninspiring – bland food, average service, mass produced pasta with little love or attention to detail. However, we had to go to Siena’s with an open mind, and we were prepared to be surprised.

To make the experience more palatable, it was decided that takeaway Siena’s might be better than dine-in Siena’s. Not sure how this reasoning developed, but it seemed logical at the time. Perhaps it had something to do with the fact that Siena’s was not worth a baby-sitter for Stinky.

Our first experience was in placing the order. Helpfully, Siena’s has a good website listing its full menu. We love this, more restaurants should devote time and energy to setting up a website, particularly casual-dining places which do takeaway. The average office worker spends fucking hours on the internet, loves to be immediately informed and doesn’t really want to talk on the phone with a restaurant for longer than needed.

Ordering was a smooth and successful transmission and soon Siena’s was cooking up the following for the Bloggers:

1. arancini balls (2 serves)
2. calamari (1 serve)
3. garlic bread
4. penne al diavolo (penne, spicy Italian sausage, onions,
mushrooms, in a chilli tomato sauce).
5. fettucine Siena (fettucine with prawns, broccoli in vodka flavoured
tomato and cream sauce, sprinkled with chilli flakes)
6. an Isabella pizza (tomato, mozarella, basil, Italian sausage,
olives, onions, artichokes)
7. a meatlovers pizza (Tomato, mozarella, bacon, ham, sausage
and chicken)

Picking up the order was more difficult. The Deliberator and the Brains were entrusted with the role of pick-up and take-home. The Deliberator, starving, sulky and desperate for a drink, made several driving errors that saw him turn right where no right turns were permitted, do a u-turn in the middle of Beaufort Street on a busy Thursday night, run up a curb and then park illegally. The Brains’ constant nit-picking did not help, and at after the car was finally stationary, the Deliberator stormed off the Vietnamese deli across the road, god knows what for, leaving the Brains to pick up and carry what was about 45kg of food. Order and calm resumed shortly thereafter.

As usual, and much to the bewilderment of anyone who actually likes food, Siena’s was packed to the rafters. It’s unbelievably popular, but does anyone know anyone who goes there? Anyway, the order was retrieved, and the only notable thing in relation to the pick-up was that the pizzas were sitting on a the bench a long way from the wood fired oven, so they were dead cold by the time we got them home.

So, to the food. It was fine. Really, it was. The pizzas, although cold, had good crispy bases and nice fresh ingredients. The pasta was not full of flavour, but the ingredients themselves were fine. The arancini were each as big as a cannon ball. The calamari was a disappointment, the takeaway container contained more lettuce than squid, and the squid itself was rubbery. So, all in all pretty much exactly as we expected. While we were not surprised, we weren’t completely put off either.

In summary:

Service: Fine. Standard. Typical.

Food: Fine. Standard. Typical.

Ambience: Busy, loud, happy atmosphere, as always.

Highlight: Giant arancini.

Lowlight: Rubbery squid and cold pizza.

Rating: 2.5 half-price-pasta-and-pizza-nights out of 5.

Will we be back: Very unlikely. For similarly priced Italian we would go to Al Sito up in Inglewood (see previous review), Il Pasto in East Perth or Il Padrino in Northbridge.

Details: Everyone knows where Siena’s is. While we didn’t go on a half price pasta and pizza night, the price was still reasonable, coming in at just under $100 for all that food. We expect there may have been some kind of calculating error there. Siena's website is http://www.sienasmtlawley.com.au/

Coming up: We finally made it back to Diva, a full report will be available soon.

2009

Hi everyone. Thanks for all your emails and comments, it's nice to know we have a reader or 2.

We have not disbanded the blog, we have not lost our jobs (yet), we have not moved overseas/interstate/south of the river and we have not gone into hospital/asylum/a witness protection program.

What we have been doing is getting drunk at Christmas and New Years functions every day since early December which has left us with little time to write. New reviews will commence shortly.

Now is a good opportunity to reflect on what is now a year's worth of work. We have discovered some amazing places which we never would have visited if not for this blog - to name a few - Jessie's Curry Kitchen and Cafe, Third Avenue Cafe, Al Sito, Koinonia and Charco's Charcoal Chicken. We will also mention Cantina 663, but we suspect we would have gone there regardless of whether or not the Beaufort Street Challenge was taken up.

We've also discovered some duds - Peking Chinese Restaurant, Seven Seas (which has thankfully closed down) and Magic Pizza.

It's been a long journey, we thought we would have wrapped it up in 2008, but it looks like we'll go well into the new year. As for future plans - we are considering not stopping at the end of Beaufort Street and going right down through Barrack Street, ending up at Halo on the Barrack Street Jetty (which would give us a wonderful opportunity to see the grandious, beautiful and highly-original Perth ferris wheel up close. That thing is AWESOME). Or, we might have a stab at William Street next, although the MSG we'd get from eating at William Street restaurants once a week would probably never leave our bodies.

As you can see, there's much to be excited about. Happy 2009 food fans, we hope it's a great one for all of you.

Koinonia

Koinonia: the name conjures up images of palm trees, oases, dusky Arabian wenches and fan-waving eunuchs. (Well, for us it does anyway.)

The reality, at least from the outside, appears a little different: Koinonia looks from the street to be a lunch-bar type, set back off the street and up a couple of steps. It is housed in the uninspired cream-bricked and new-ish building that Balshaw’s Florist is also located in. We’ve always assumed that the folk at Balshaw’s designed that building, as it is about as unattractive as that ridiculous van they drive around in with the giant rose in a plastic coffin on top of it. Anyway, do not be deceived by the building: once inside, Koinonia (which incidentally means “murder-inducing elevator music” in Esperanto) is a warm, inviting place, made all the more so by the immediate attention given us by the hostess and the leather booth-like couches around which the BSBers immediately splayed themselves.

As if this was not congenial enough, the mural on the wall expounded the benefits of “fellowship”, “virtue” and “loving thy neighbour” (or something like that – the BSBers ignored these sentiments completely and engaged in their usual infantile squabbling over the menu.)

This evening, the BSBers were joined by their travelling English friend, The Pikey. Being of Cockney extraction, there is little that the Pikey could not tell you about the potato chip, chicken tikka masala or soggy Pret tuna-and-sweetcorn sambos. How would she cope though with the fusion-style array of spices from the Orient? For Koinonia (formerly “Infusion” further south on Beaufort) offers the full gamut of Asia-wide generic dishes.

Starters were plentiful, prompt and very tasty. Duck pancakes were suitably moist (take heed, Red Teapot), san choy bow of the perfect consistency, satay sticks a delight. Even better, the menu stated that each of the starters came in 4 pieces, which was of a huge concern to the Pikey as there was no way we were going to share with her, but when the kind waitress saw the pain on the Pikey’s face, she quickly reassured us that they would be happy to make them 5 pieces each. And we didn’t seem to be charged for the extra either.

Mains continued in the same vein: chicken curry tantalised the taste-buds (although BOOTO suggested the meat was a little dry), the garlic lamb was a revelation, the squid and prawns an oral celebration, all washed down with a pad thai, a crash-helmet sized tub of fried rice and 14 litres of cleanskin sparkling shiraz (the BSBers’ cheap plonk of choice).

Our hostess was particularly generous, and seemed to be always at hand and directing staff to indulge our every (culinary) whim. She even gave us champagne glasses, which is a rare treat for a BYO restaurant.

In summary:

Service: Very friendly (without being intrusive), polite and ever-present. Very quick on the drinks.

Food: Very, very good pan-Asian.

Ambience: Surprisingly chic inside, with an extended balcony overlooking the Scotto.

Highlight: The expression on the Pikey’s face as her taste-buds were awakened after decades of culinary neglect.

Lowlight: The piped Muzak. (Although this may have been deliberate – very reminiscent of a Hong Kong taxi.)

Rating: 4.5 Hello Kitty’s out of 5.

Will we be back: Definitely – undoubtedly the pick of the bunch for Asian delights thus far.

Details: Koinonia is a couple of doors down from Monte Fiore. The bill came to about $50 a head for (far too many) mains, starters and corkage. Booking is advised, particularly on warm evenings.

Be aware: Koinonia is not licensed (although permits BYO beer and wine). Also, the Liquor Barons at the Beaucott corner closes at the ridiculously arbitrary time of 8:45, meaning that the Sponge had to walk 6 minutes to the Queens to collect booze. This resulted in a lot of self-indulgent whinging from the Sponge and general disharmony at the table. You have been warned.

The Flying Scotsman

With BOOTO and Stinks on a promotional tour of Victoria (leaving the Sponge trying in vain to remember what he used to do when a bachelor), it was decided to take guests for our next blog: the Pakistani Prince and the South Sea Island Princess* gratefully accepted the Bloggers’ invitation to join them for an evening of lager and pub grub at the Flying Scotsman.

(* Note: not real royalty.)

We had no expectations as to quality of the food at the Scotto – each of the Bloggers had been there from time to time for a quiet (or loud) drink, but never to eat. All recent reviews we could find appeared to be of the whiny variety, focusing on how much character and ambience the place had lost since its upgrade and how it would never be the same. (Apparently someone had neglected to pass this on to the punters though, who were there in droves.)

A table was booked (which we found to be essential if intending to eat), and was promptly and graciously reconfigured at least 3 times by the friendly staff as they tried to find the best way to seat 5 people. The Scotto is a bit like the scruffy, charismatic cousin of the Queens and (being what we understand to be the only viable drinking alternative up this end of Beaufort) was packed, while still maintaining a friendly and informal atmosphere.

Starters (ordered from the bar) arrived promptly and were unexpectedly brilliant: a platter consisting of a generous spread of such delights as octopus, ribs, chicken wings and some of the best and most tender squid any of the Bloggers (or their royal companions) had eaten for some time. This was accompanied by a dish that made the Deliberator curl into a foetal ball: pouteen. Pouteen is simply chips, melted cheese and gravy. Once combined however, they transform into a manna-like concoction that would make a grown man (in this case, the Deliberator) weep.

Mains were again impressive: the Brains’ Fat Bastard Pizza lived up to its name, parmagiana was bloody good (and enormous), the Deliberator’s ribs (washed down with a second bowl of pouteen) did the trick and the South Sea Island Princess’ salad was tasty and lovingly crafted. Unfortunately, so too was the Pakistani Prince’s. The Bloggers are collectively still stunned and slightly hurt at the Prince’s decision to order a salad at a pub, and will no longer mention his name on this blog. He is dead to us.

Service was attentive, speedy… and knowledgeable – our waitress chimed into our heated debate to confirm that the minimum contingent for a gang-bang was indeed 5 people. Debate concluded. (Incidentally, and while we had already established that 3 people formed a threesome, we are still in the dark as to the correct term for a beast with four backs. Suggestions welcome.)

In summary:

Service: Great, with an encyclopaedic knowledge of the karma sutra.

Food: A couple of cuts above what we anticipated. Sorry, Scotto.

Ambience: Lively, informal and eclectic. The Brisbane it ain’t.

Highlight: The squid. And the Deliberator’s vow to plant a pouteen tree in his backyard.

Lowlight: Maybe slightly cramped and noisy for dinner. (But hell – it’s a pub.)

Rating: 3.9 pouteen trees out of 5.

Will we be back: Yes, either to eat, drink or both. (Not just for the fact that we note that the bloody upstairs balcony is finally completed!)

Details: The Flying Scotsman is just down from the Walcott/Beaufort St intersection. The bill came to about $50 a head for mains and a shared starter (and drinks. Lots of drinks.) Kitchen closes at (we think?) 9pm, although pizzas are available later than this.

Coming up: Alright Diva – your turn next so we can finally tie up everything north of Walcott.